


Figuring Things Out

by MechBull



Category: As the World Turns
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-06
Updated: 2015-09-06
Packaged: 2018-04-19 07:14:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4737458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MechBull/pseuds/MechBull
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Previously posted to Livejournal June 2010</p>
<p>Reid and Luke talk.  Noah and Katie show up too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Figuring Things Out

It had been 27 hours since Noah walked out on him and 25 hours since Reid shut the door firmly behind him. Except for the occasional trip to the bathroom, Luke had yet to get out of bed. He was starving, and he _really_ needed to take a shower, but he couldn’t bring himself to care that much. Luke sighed and wrapped his arms tightly around his pillow.

Sometimes, all you could do was curl up in the fetal position and mope.

His mother was getting more and more worried with every peek into the room, and his dad stopped by and told him to get out of bed already and _do_ something. Work out, go into the foundation office, visit friends, _something_. Luke merely grunted.

At the quick, soft knock on his door, he was about to respond in the same manner. And then there came an unexpected voice.

“Luke.”

He turned over quickly, inhaling sharply. Sitting up, Luke stared at his guest in shock. “Noah. What are you doing here?”

Noah barely shook his head, looking like he didn’t quite know the answer himself. “Your mom called me,” he explained.

That hurt Luke, but what hurt him more was just how much it didn’t really hurt him. “Oh,” he said.

Noah hesitated, then walked into the room. He sat down next to Luke, their shoulders touching as they leaned against the wall. Both of them stared straight ahead, and neither talked for a very long time.

“I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me,” Luke finally said.

“I was angry,” Noah replied. “Not about the kiss, not really. I know I don’t have a right to be, anyway. Mostly I was just mad that you were lying to me. That you were…hiding behind me.”

Luke sighed. After a long pause, he finally whispered sadly, “I do love you.”

Noah nodded. “I love you too,” he responded quietly. “I think I always will.”

“I don’t know how to be me without you.”

Noah took a deep breath. “Promise me something,” he asked.

“What? Anything.”

“Figure that out – figure out who you are.”

Luke didn’t answer at first. He just turned to face Noah and stared at the profile that he thought he would look at for the rest of his life. “I’ll do my best,” he vowed.

Noah turned to him then, and smiled. “Good.”

They were silent again. Luke lost track of time as they sat next to each other, neither one ready to speak again and neither one willing to end the moment. And then something finally broke in Luke. He pulled his legs up, burying his face in his knees as he failed to fight the tears.

“I don’t know what happened. I never – I never meant to fall out of love with you. I never meant to hurt you,” he choked out.

“I know,” Noah said, his own voice breaking. “But you’re right. Things haven’t been good between us in far too long. No one’s to blame. Or we both are, I don’t know.”

Luke lifted his head, taking deep, shuddering breaths. “I can’t lose you,” he said. “I – you’re my best friend. If nothing else, you’re my best friend.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Noah said.

“OK,” Luke said, smiling painfully. “OK. Good.”

“Just…I don’t think I can be around you for a while. At least…not when you’re with him.”

“What do you mean?”

Noah gave him a look. “You can be a real idiot, sometimes, you know that? You’re not moping in here just because of me.”

Luke shook his head quickly. “Noah, you have to understand – ”

“Luke,” Noah interrupted him. “I’m not blind. Anymore.”

Luke shut his mouth, exhaling through his nose. “I’m not sure what I feel for him.”

“You better figure that out too,” Noah said. “But I think you do, if you just let yourself be honest.”

He leaned forward then, unexpectedly, and gave Luke a quick, chaste kiss. Climbing off the bed, Noah walked to the door and then turned to face him. “Take a shower,” he ordered before walking out of the room.

**

Almost a week later, Luke’s life had started to return to something resembling normal. He went into the office a couple times, had dinner with the family, met friends occasionally. He even enrolled in a couple evening classes. He didn’t know if he’d fulfill his promise to Noah there and figure out who he wanted to be, but it was at least a start.

But things were still off. He knew he wasn’t going to feel quite right until he talked to Reid. Until he fixed things with him or at least said goodbye, if that’s all Reid wanted from him anymore.

So, he steeled himself and he went over to Katie’s and Reid’s. He knocked briskly and he waited. After a few moments, he began to wonder if perhaps Reid was ignoring him or was at the hospital or – the door opened.

Reid stared back at him, curious but guarded, and Luke exhaled sharply.

“Hi,” he said.

“What are you doing here?”

“I – can we talk?”

Reid continued to stare, and Luke gave him the most pleading look he could muster. Reid sighed and made a show of glancing at his watch.

“You have five minutes,” he said, turning away from Luke and walking back into the room. Luke stepped inside, closing the door quickly behind him.

“I’m…” Luke cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here that day, not like that.”

“Why did you?” Reid asked, his voice cold and almost uncaring.

“I – I don’t know, exactly,” Luke said, sitting on the couch next to Reid. “I was confused. And upset. I wanted – ”

“Someone to tell you what to do.”

“No! I just…I wanted to hear your voice. I wanted to be near you. You make me feel better.”

Reid stood up quickly, walking towards the fridge. “I’m not your shrink. And I’m not your _**BFF**_. And I’m certainly not your rebound.”

He pulled open the door, taking out a bottle of beer. He twisted off the cap, throwing it on the counter. And then he finally faced Luke again.

“I know,” Luke said softly.

They were silent for a moment, and then Luke took a deep breath. “It was like I was paralyzed. Again.” He glanced at Reid’s confused face. “Never mind. It just…I couldn’t make a choice. I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t want to hurt anyone.”

“Being an adult means making hard choices,” Reid said. “Otherwise, you end up hurting everyone.”

“How can you be like this?” Luke said angrily, standing up and walking closer. “You act like this is supposed to be so easy for me, like I should be able to make this choice exactly when you want me to, without a second thought. Like I’m supposed to just say ‘Oh, _sure_. I’ll throw away my first love and years of a relationship for someone I barely know. What’s commitment matter when a hot doctor is trying to get in your pants?’”

“Is that all it was for you?”

“No. No! But I’m _scared_.”

“Of what? Of me?” Reid shook his head, walking into the living room again and putting his bottle on the coffee table. He turned to face Luke, a hand to his chest in emphasis. “I’m not that scary.”

“Yes, you are! You fucking terrify me!”

Reid straightened in surprise, and his mouth opened and closed as he tried to respond. Luke lifted his hands to his head, running them through his hair quickly as he walked closer to Reid.

“You save lives,” he started to explain. “You’re a goddamn superhero. And – and you’re smart, and experienced, and so confident – like you don’t need anyone. Except I know you do, because you’re also honest with me and have told me things that I wonder if you’ve ever told anyone. And you’re _so_ funny, but so serious too. You make me – you make me feel like a man, instead of a little boy. You make me want to punch you and kiss you and take care of you, all at the same time. I’ve _never_ felt this way about anyone before, and I don’t know what that means!”

Reid took a breath, trying to interrupt as he stepped closer to Luke. But Luke didn’t pay any attention to him as he continued to talk.

“And then look at me. I never even finished college. I run around all day long, getting involved in other people’s lives and pretending to work every once in a while. I’ve only ever been with one person, and we hurt each other as much as we loved each other. I fight this constant fear that I’m just like my father, and you’d wonder that too, if you knew half of the things I’ve done in the past. And the crazy thing is, I want you to know about them. I want you to know everything about me, every mistake I’ve made. And I don’t know if that’s because I want to see if you’ll stick by me when you know the truth, even though I think you will – I hope you will, or if it’s because I want to scare you away before this thing gets any deeper and I have to actually try and define what it is I’m feeling.”

Luke stopped talking suddenly, his chest heaving and his eyes flashing at Reid wildly. Reid put his hand out in a calming gesture.

“Are you done?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I think so.”

Reid took a step closer. “OK, here’s what we do.”

He put his hand slowly on Luke’s waist, coming even closer until they were breathing each other’s air. Luke shivered slightly, eyes darting around as he tried to find it in himself to meet Reid’s gaze. Reid swallowed and then began speaking softly.

“We acknowledge that things started out for us under rather extreme circumstances.”

“Yeah,” Luke breathed out, nodding quickly.

“And we admit that things are a little scary right now, because we don’t know the future. We don’t know if this is going to work out or not. And we accept that that’s OK, because sometimes things don’t work out. It’s not all or nothing, Luke. I’m not asking you for some sort of fairy tale happily ever after here. I’m asking you for a chance.”

“OK,” Luke agreed, licking his lips.

“And we finally confess that there is something here, that it’s more than flirtation or lust. We have feelings for each other.”

“I thought that was obvious.”

“It needs saying again.” Reid raised his face, looking Luke straight in the eyes. “I want to be with you. In every sense imaginable.”

Luke swallowed. “Me too.”

Reid wrapped his arms around Luke’s waist, pulling him the last few inches towards him. He caught Luke’s lips with his own, kissing him with more passion and emotion than he ever had before. Luke’s hands came up, burying themselves into Reid’s hair. He made a small noise in the back of his throat, and then he deepened the kiss.

**

Reid stumbled into the kitchen the next morning, wiping sleep out of his eyes. Spotting Katie near the stove, he walked over to her, bending down to kiss her cheek.

“Morning,” he mumbled.

She turned to look at him in surprise, the spatula in her hand dripping pancake batter into the bowl.

“Hi,” she replied. “You’re in a good mood, as if I don’t know why.”

“What do you mean?”

“I saw you two. Didn’t you even hear the front door open and close?”

Reid laughed, blushing as he looked down. “Ah, no. I guess we were in our own little world.”

“All night, apparently.”

Reid looked up at her in shock.

“Your little world doesn’t have sound-proof walls.”

Reid cringed. “Sorry.”

Katie laughed. She looked at him, smiling happily. Reid started to feel somewhat self-conscious.

“What?” he asked, a small, nervous smile coming to his lips.

Katie walked over, wrapping her arms around him.

“Is this a hug?” Reid asked.

“Absolutely not.”


End file.
